The 21 Facebook Friends on Every College Student’s Newsfeed

Disclaimer: This is not intended to offend anyone at all. I have been guilty of falling under several of these categories at one time or another. It’s good to laugh at ourselves once and a while.

1. The Girl Who Has a New Boyfriend Every Two Weeks

  • This girl is “so done” with guys for each 24-hour break between relationships. She picks up a new boyfriend remarkably soon after being through with her previous two-week relationship. It takes about three days after updating her new relationship status, to say “I love you, babe.” to her new significant other. The L Word gets tossed around casually and frequently.

2. The Person who is Constantly in Traveling, Particularly in Europe

  • This person has several albums of photos mainly of scenery, landscapes, and architecture. Often, the person is also in the photos wearing an infinity scarf or beret, posing with other trendy-looking friends in front of the Lavender fields of Provence or Buckingham Palace. If you are lucky, you are occasionally treated to a photo of this person making phallic gestures around the sculpture of The David. This person always has a Leaning Tower of Pisa picture somewhere in their albums where they undoubtedly make fun of the tourists pretending to push the tower back upright, but they are doing the exact same thing. They succeed at making you shamefully envious with every status update about sampling Pinot Noir in Florence, and casually making out with Ryan Reynolds in Versailles.

3. The Girl Who Had a Kid Early

  • The girl who had a kid early may or may not have graduated high school with you. You can’t honestly remember. Nonetheless, you can never forget about her, because you are updated on her kid’s milestones the second they happen. According to your newsfeed, little Cayden just ate his first bite of solid food. You are treated to a picture of Cayden with his mouth wide open, proving that yes, he did in fact get the peas into his mouth and successfully masticated them into oblivion. Her child’s name either, A.) Rhymes with Ayden (or is Ayden), B.) Has a bunch of unnecessary Y’s, C.) Has two E’s at the end to replace one Y, or D.) Ends in “-lynn”.

4. The Born-Again Christian

  • This person updates their status on a semi-regular basis with Bible Verses. Most of the time, these verses are harmless and occasionally pleasant, but often they are intended to act as some sort of commentary for current events. It’s best not to log onto Facebook for a few hours after a state legalizes same-sex marriage. These people sometimes post articles entitled, “A Christian’s Opinion on ‘X'” and you can’t help but wonder if they are trying to make their non-Christian friends feel uncomfortable or inferior. These friends typically attend Christian colleges and update their status about how “blessed” they are to have finally found their missing sock. Most of them own guitars. You keep them around for their occasional inspirational post, and you secretly wish you were more of a humanitarian because of them.

5. The Kid Who Never Left Home

  • This kid is always having car troubles for some reason. His car is always in the shop, or he works in the shop. He or she may or may not go to community college. They often post statuses such as, “What’s good for tonight?” They receive few replies, because at home, nothing’s ever good for tonight.

6. The Girl Who Constantly Posts Selfies and Adds Song Lyrics as the Captions

  • This girl posts a selfie between three and four times a week. About 55% of her selfies are taken in her car for some reason. She always posts a song lyric as the caption, usually from Taylor Swift, Lorde, or John Mayer if she feels like mixing it up. On rare occasions, she will substitute the song lyric for a semi-inspirational quote. This quote will be something by Marilyn Monroe, or perhaps something said in Pretty Little Liars. This girl owns about a dozen North Face Jackets.

7. The Kid Who Always Seems to be Watching Sports

  • This kid only has about thirty pictures total of himself on Facebook. He only ever shows up on your newsfeed during a game, and it seems there is always a game. His statuses are very generic, and they usually  receive between two and four “likes”, but no comments. You can’t help but wonder if he is even watching the game, or it has just gotten to the point where he feels obligated to let his friends know that he is aware there is one happening.

8. The Self-Proclaimed Social Activist

  • This person is probably a political science, women’s studies, or race and gender studies major. This person also loves poetry. On the exterior, they seem to hate white people, in particular, white men. Often, this person is white, and sometimes male. This person posts articles and YouTube videos with a common theme of white people being racist or sexist. Sometimes, this person dubs him or herself a “Social Activist.” You can’t help but wonder how one exactly earns that title. You keep them around because sometimes you actually agree with some of the commentary they post, though it tends to be extremely left leaning. You also secretly enjoy watching other people troll their statuses.

9. That Couple

  • These two have been dating at least a year to a year and a half, but it feels like it has been much longer. They are so far up each others asses that it’s almost comical. The girl enjoys “checking in” with her SO pretty much everywhere, even if it’s the Starbucks drive thru. They refer to each other as “boo” and/or “babe” in wall posts, status updates, and photo captions. This is especially excruciating if it is a long-distance relationship, as the posts become approximately twice as frequent, and 10 times as irritating. The nicknames alone make you hate them, and you have no idea why you haven’t removed them as friends yet.

10. The Person Who is Losing Weight

  • This person posts progress pics at least twice a week. They all look pretty much the same: a standard cell phone pic in a mirror wearing a sports bra and athletic shorts, or for guys, no shirt at all. Common status updates include: “About to go blow off some steam at the gym!” “Nothing like a good work out!” and “Just ordered my new sneakers!” They love to “check in” on Foursquare at the gym. This person will eventually get rail thin, and just when you start to pull the stick out of your ass and feel happy for them, they post another status saying something along the lines of, “Only twenty pounds till my goal weight!” The compliment fishing starts getting old and you briefly consider venturing over to the gym. That feeling doesn’t usually last too long.

11. The Stressed-Out Pre-Med Student

  • This person loves to update their Facebook friends on how stressed they are. They are nearing the end of their rope because there is a dissertation due Friday in “Anatomy of the Corpus Callosum” and they are on their twelfth six-pack of Red Bull for the semester. It’s a damn miracle they could scrape up the fifteen seconds to post a Facebook status. This person loves to say they are de-activating their Facebook, and then not actually follow through. On the rare occasion they do follow through, it is only for a couple of days. Photos of this friend at various galas and awards ceremonies pollute your newsfeed on a weekly basis. You are considering removing them as a friend before the day rolls around where they have to start med school applications.

12. The Young Newlywed

  • This person “loves married life” and is probably best friends with the Born-Again Christian. For the first few months of being married, they posted statuses about how wonderful their SO is, but luckily that has died down overtime. Every single “Throwback Thursday” is a wedding picture.

13. The Sorority Girl

  • This girl makes sure that whatever she posts to Instagram, it also goes to Facebook. She adores her big/little(s) and her Lily Pulitzer planner. She owns a pair of real Frye boots and whips them out as soon as the temperature drops below 60 degrees. Ninety percent of her photos are of her and random groups of sisters lined up in similar or matching dresses for some unnamed event. Anytime she receives a new shirt or sweatshirt with her Greek letters on it, it is imperative that it be Instagrammed with the perfect filter and the hashtag #newletters. Often, this girl will post a mushy status about how much she loves her sisters, and every single sister will like it, thus placing it at the top of your newsfeed. She also LOVES FALL AND PUMPKIN SPICE.

14. The Soon-To-Be Starving Artist

  • This is more than likely a soon-to-be Berklee, Tisch School, or Hart School graduate who is undoubtedly talented, but perturbingly pushy. He or she constantly sends invites to shows out to his entire friend list. They post links to their SoundCloud or YouTube channels, and you’ve clicked on them out of curiosity. You hope that someone finds them someday and throws them money, otherwise you aren’t sure how they are going to find work post-graduation. You are secretly jealous that you have no talent, so you keep them around for inspiration.

15. That Kid You Met at a Party and Drunkenly Added on Facebook

  • You may or may not remember adding this kid. You’ve seen him or her around campus a handful of times, but they don’t seem to recognize you. You’re friends on Facebook, so they totally know who you are. They just don’t want to acknowledge you, and you’re more than okay with that.

16. The Buzzfeed Whore

  • This girl will not stop posting Buzzfeed articles on her friends’ walls. You pretend like you’re annoyed, but in reality you click on all of them and laugh your ass off. These articles often include the caption, “THIS IS SO OUR LIVES” or “I can’t even.” Have you lost the ability to even? How sad for you.

17. That Guy Who Always Reminds People to Follow him on Twitter

  • This is probably some guy you went to high school with that you and everyone else forgot existed. He doesn’t have many photos, and no one is quite sure what he did after graduation, but he constantly posts the same status: “Follow me on Twitter” with his Twitter handle.

18. The Party Girl

  • This girl has probably never repeated an outfit in her entire life. She posts pre-going out photos of her lined up with all her friends in their semi-slutty outfits. She tags everyone in those photos. She isn’t at all concerned with having pictures up of her drinking. She is that girl who posts in the Facebook group for your graduating class, “Lost my North Face Jacket at [insert whorehouse fraternity here]. If someone has it, please give it back!” You don’t think she has a single photo of herself on Facebook without a push-up bra. You’re beginning to wonder if she even takes classes.

19. The Ambiguous Complainer

  • This is almost always a girl. She prides herself on getting people to fish for more information by posting statuses such as, “I am just so done with everything right now.” People will comment with, “What’s wrong?” and the cycle continues. Often she will reply to those people with something along the lines of, “Just everything.” which will prompt some stupid people to keep fishing. You read these for a laugh and find yourself doubting that anything of significance was ever wrong in the first place. You pretty much hate this person, but you can’t help but laugh at them, so you keep them around.

20. The Friend (or Ex) from Freshman Year That You Can’t Bring Yourself To De-Friend

  • This person was probably a relatively prominent figure during your freshman year, but they pretty much disappeared when you both became sophomores. You may have dated them for a short time, or just had a little crush and hung out a lot. Regardless, you have moved on, but they pop up in your newsfeed semi-regularly, probably from all the creeping you did freshman year.

21. The Hipster

  • This person pops up on your feed in pictures of various open-mic nights at random cafes. They love to “check in” at independent coffee shops and Whole Foods. You have no idea what their major is. You are sort of going off the idea that they’re going to remain undeclared forever. They have updated their status insisting they hate Facebook and are considering deleting it, but it has yet to actually happen. You have never seen this person wear the same scarf twice. They hang around outside the English building with a cigarette from time to time. They also went abroad and posted numerous photos. They dedicated an entire album to Amsterdam where they saw Band of Horses and smoked purple weed. They’re probably gay, but nobody really knows for sure.
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Attention

The problem with ADHD is not that I cannot focus on things. The problem with ADHD is that everything is so incredibly interesting and every subject has so many subcategories and every subcategory has infinite asterisks. I attempt to dedicate my attention to every subject, subcategory, and asterisk that is remotely relevant to the present setting and I get lost in a sea of wavering attention, which is one big distraction. I am not, however, distracted. I am too focused.

Because who wouldn’t rather sit and contemplate the complexities of the human experience as related to the clothing one decides to put on their back, when math class is going on and your professor is talking about binomials in the thickest woolen sweater you have ever seen? It’s a good thing, too. It smells like snow in the air outside — better than the feet smell coming from the scrubby, sockless student to your right.

But this is math class, and your professor wont accept your brilliant musings organized on lined paper as legitimate grounds for passing the course. That sweater will change the course of his day, his life, and he doesn’t even know it. But, you’ve thought about it.

And it would be a different scenario if he was wearing a sweater vest, just as your neighboring pupil might have a shot at getting a girlfriend if he invested in some socks. Wool or cotton? These things matter.

It’s not so hard to come up with interesting subjects, subcategories, and asterisks because they are floating all around you all the time. However, it is not immediately apparent to you that probably only five or six percent of your everyday musings are interesting to people other than yourself. Since you don’t have a filter, and since you are programmed to tell everyone your thoughts in the form of stories (often lacking a climax or conclusive ending), you have to sort through these ideas in as logical a fashion as you can muster.

But once you’re there, once you’ve ditched the wool sweater idea and sorted out the other stupid realizations and petty observations…it’s right in front of you. That thing that people care about.

So amidst the subjects, subcategories and asterisks, there will almost always be something of value. It’s a matter of getting there — swimming through a fog of feet stink and sweater fuzz to find an uncharacteristically shiny thread that will fascinate you for several minutes until you realize, that’s the one.

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Testosterone in London

GUESS WHAT.

I’m going to London! The acceptance letter came last week. I’m over the initial shock, but now it’s just terrifying that it’s real. I’ve never even been to Canada, so my first international experience will be spending four months in Europe. It’s kinda similar to someone wanting to try to play Tennis so, naturally, the next logical step would be to throw them into Wimbledon. I’m terrified, but totally psyched and ready to make metaphorical grunting noises when hitting the tennis ball of life.

Of course, I have to creep all over the Facebook group that the Study Abroad office set up for us and see who I am traveling with. Get this, of the fourteen people that have joined the group so far, ONE is male. Are you kidding me? WHY?

I wasn’t trying to make it my mission to find a dude while overseas, but COME ON. I chose not to apply to an all-girls college for a reason. I like boys, and I think I’ll like them even better while over the pond. I want them to pick up little English accents and I want to get drunk with them at pubs. I want to travel to other countries with them and share plates of linguini a la Lady and the Tramp. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

Alas, the group is still adding people so I will just have to wait and see what other fine gentlemen pop up in my newsfeed. The creeping will be steady and frequent. I have no shame.

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Clothes are Terrible

I can’t even keep my pants up. It’s like this: I either keep my pants up with a belt and get a protruding denim bump near my crotch that looks vaguely phallic, or I skip the belt and get no bump, but I’m hitching my pants up every thirty seconds. I can’t win.

Meanwhile, females on campus pair skinny jeans with lacy combat boots and oversized sweaters and I could not even put that combo together if I had an entire Macy’s at my disposal. If wearing leggings, flannels, and Toms all day, everyday is wrong, then I don’t want to be right. 

I’m sure that guys find men’s flannels and Toms to be real boxer-droppers. That’s why they flock to me on such a regular basis. If only.

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